I'm going to come right out and say it. I think I've lost about 10-15% of my sanity over the years. I really want to say 25%—that is probably a more accurate number—but I don't want to scare you off.

What I mean by sanity is the feeling that you are an entirely whole and sound-minded person still deeply invested in all that life has to offer. Not the "I need to go blow something up" lack of sanity. Let me put it a different way. If I were a deck of cards, I'd probably be missing a couple of Aces, a Queen, and certainly a few nines and tens. I guess I'm best represented by the old expression, "He ain't all there."

I recognize this as a good thing, though. Sort of a "it is what it is and everyone my age is probably feeling the same way" way. Emotions don't run as high as they used to. I'm not too depressed, and I'm not too overjoyed.

I think this lack of sanity comes from fighting so many battles throughout my life. Sucky jobs, crappy parenting, poor choice of friends, and the relentless negativity of the media all added to the mix. I think the government truly went to pot when they spent countless hours on the Monica Lewinsky scandal. The two parties were like unruly siblings that needed a good hand slapping. Why on earth were they wasting so much time on such a trivial thing that didn't affect me?

Deaths of pets and loved ones have also knocked me down a few percentage points. The first time I watched a pet die in front of me was a beautiful black lab named Sadie. She was my landlord's dog, but I spent much of my spare time playing with her in the yard. I held her head while she convulsed and passed away one afternoon. I didn't cry much, which surprised me, but I felt a portion of my soul tear away at that instant.

I remember meeting a guy at a bar who was celebrating his 25th birthday. All of his friends were buying him drinks and making their rounds from floor to floor. The birthday boy stood next to me and we started talking. He was shocked when I told him I was in my forties; most people think I look 32. Anyway, I told him that life gets better and, though you may feel like you've lost 5-10% of your sanity throughout the years, it's all good. He seemed to appreciate these words of wisdom, or maybe he was just too buzzed to disagree. He'll find out someday.

That's the thing about bars and drinking. People go to bars to socialize and get shot up with a chemical that makes it easier to connect. It's kind of funny, isn't it? Why can't we just connect like that on a daily basis? Nah, there'd probably be a huge population explosion and too much incoherent chatter.

One day I had this very odd daydream. I wondered what it would be like if I did something totally strange that would undoubtedly make people question my sanity. I came up with returning to one of my hometowns, Medina, NY, and sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk in front of the local Post Office. I'd pick up a piece of stiff dead grass and use it to clean out the sidewalk cracks, like I did as a kid. Then I'd draw circles in a nearby patch of dirt. People would pass by and wonder what in the hell I was doing. In my mind I'd just be retreating back to younger days when life was carefree.

What keeps me sane is keeping busy. Like writing this book. I'll probably have to start writing fiction after this, though. God knows I've divulged just about everything in my life in this one.

I wonder about creative people. They say the most creative are those most tormented. Creativity isn't easy for me; I have more of an analytical mind. But I've had just enough torment in my life that this is the best way to get rid of it. Just say it like it is, I say. Don't hold anything back. Most people are probably thinking the same things I'm thinking anyway.

That's what makes jokes work so well. All of those "Did you ever..." type jokes. Did you ever find yourself forgetting what you were going to say in a conversation even though your mouth is still moving? Did you ever try to make a point about something then forget what point you were trying to make?

Oh that's right, sanity.

How exactly does one measure one's own sanity? Maybe it's a good thing that we haven't come up with a scientific way. Imagine going through an airport security gate with a digital sanity readout: "tip-top shape," "slightly troubled," "basket case."

Then there are moments of insanity, like in court cases.

"Well, your honor, he was sane up until the point he pulled the trigger, and two seconds afterward. In between, not so much."

Why do we even worry about sanity? Maybe it's to make sure we're all still able to communicate with one another.

"You are getting this right? I'm making sense, right?"

If everyone walked around in an insane daze, we probably wouldn't get much done.

But then again, what would we need to get done? Aren't most problems caused by people who are too sane, rambling on about this and that and making everyone else go insane? Could we live in peace and harmony at, say, a 75% sanity level?

I say we just shut up and look at the pretty flowers.

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